Ice Blue Eyes
by regnum
Summary: A/M Songfic! Aoshi is colder than ever and he's pushing everyone away for fear of hurting them...even Misao. She believes that she the only one who understands what he's going through, can she reach him in time? WAFF


Ice Blue Eyes 

Disclaimer: I do not own em…never have…I want to, but sadly I never will… *sigh* please don't sue me! *puppy dog eyes*

A/N: How many fics have been called this? Oh well…the song was stuck in my head, I was reading Aoshi / Misao fics…let's just say I was inspired. I get the feeling I will be labouring over this long and hard. It's been awhile since I wrote RK fan fics and I don't actually have a plot yet. This is a songfic, I don't know if that's obvious or not, but it is. If you don't like songfics…read it anyway! Reviews are always welcome. Enjoy!  

~*~*~*~

He was meditating, again. Silently she slid the shoji open, trying her best not to disturb him. His back faced her, eyes focused on a picture on the wall, regarding it with silent contemplation. A slight breeze moved through the room, bringing the scent of sakura blossoms and ruffling his dark hair. 

"Aoshi-sama?" 

The former okishira turned to face her, his face passive. She forced a smile, placing the tray she carried on the floor. "I brought you some tea." The distinctive scent of hot green tea wafted through the room as she poured carefully. Steam floated from the cup, mingling with the now still air. 

She flipped her braid over her shoulder, careful not to hit the tea. Then, the forced smile still on her face, she offered him the cup. "Arigato Misao." He accepted it, face impassive as he lifted the cup, sipping the tea calmly. 

She rose to leave, not wanting to meet his eyes. Yet all the while hoping he would call her back. Ask her to stay; join him. Pausing at the door, her troubled eyes took him in. Calm, unshakable, unrecognisable. Who was this man Aoshi had become? A shaft of sunlight cast across the room, having gained access from the open window. It illuminated his pale face. 

He swallowed the last dregs of his tea, then lifted his eyes to meet hers. "Was there something else?" The words were cool, dismissive. Wordlessly, Misao shook her head. She left, a soft sigh escaping her lips. 

_*~ Sono aoku kooru hitomi_

_Kono mune ni dakeshimetai_

_Nakushita, kono yuki wo_

_Omoidashite once again ~*_

He watched the shoji slide shut. Then he turned back to the painting. He remembered the child she had once been, and now he was seeing the woman she had become. Behind closed lids, the picture of her as a child, energetic, full of life and of her now, mature, headstrong, beautiful merged. He took a deep breath and rid himself of such thoughts. _No more. Those who grow close to me only become hurt. _The walls were the only things protecting the one he loved. 

~*~*~*~

Misao sat musing, her eyes were on the garden in front of her, but she wasn't seeing anything. A faint smile creased her lips. The cicadas chirping in the background faded. The scene around her faded into one of memory. 

Flashback 

"Aoshi!!" The little girl called, greeting the okishira. It had been almost forever since she had seen him. He had left on an assignment last week. Life without her beloved Aoshi-sama was boring, no one would teach her kempo. They didn't have the time. But Aoshi always made time for her. She latched on to his leg, gazing up at him piteously. 

The young man looked downwards, the sight of her brought a smile to his face. Tired as he was, he was happy to see her. She was the reason he fought in this bloody war. Peace. For Misao, for himself. 

"Will you practice kempo with me Aoshi-sama?" 

He knelt down to her level. The smile had faded somewhat, but the traces of it remained. "Aa. Later Misao-chan." He said softly. He never wanted her to fight, to see what he saw almost every day. "I must go see Okina first." 

Misao sighed. Her bottom lip quivered and her eyes grew astonishingly large. "Promise?" 

"I promise." He kissed her forehead gently, then turned back towards the building. His report had to be made, but he wanted to linger here a little longer, where the innocence of childhood remained. _This war lasts too long…perhaps I am tired of it already…_ He straightened his shoulders, not until peace was achieved. Then he could rest. 

The blue-eyed girl watched him go. A grin on her face, she began her kata first. Now that her Aoshi-sama was here, everything would be alright. 

End Flashback

She shook her head sadly. That Aoshi was not the one of today. She only had memories of the old Aoshi. The man who had told her bedtime stories, comforted her when she was upset, who could make her laugh at the slightest thing… She missed that Aoshi. 

When she had set off to find him almost four years ago, that was the Aoshi she had wanted to find. The man she had found was so cold it was unnerving. Everyone told her he needed time to heal, wounds of the past left long lasting scars. Misao scowled. She wanted the old Aoshi back. 

She too had grieved when she heard of the deaths of her beloved 'family'. Hanya, Beshimi, Hoko…all of them. She missed them still, almost as much as she missed Aoshi, the real Aoshi. Misao took a deep breath. She had accepted they were gone; that there was nothing she could do to bring them back. But Aoshi…

Aoshi blamed himself. That was the reason for him wanting vengeance. And now that the vengeful spirit in him had quieted, subdued by Kenshin, he was at a loss. _I understand you more than you think Aoshi-sama_. She did, she knew why he walled himself off from the world, from her. _I never thought you a coward Aoshi-sama._ The wind rustled the tree leaves, her braid moved against her back. Eyes still thoughtful, she watched the falling leaves swirl. 

_*~ Tooi senaka oikaketa_

_Tsukikage ni kakureru_

_Ikari, ienu kanashime_

Hitori-jime suru no ~* 

Aoshi forced himself to clear his thoughts again. No use. The image remained. Irritated, he took a deep breath. Ever since she had brought him tea his concentration had been shattered. He just couldn't get her out of his head, the girl…no, the woman. She had grown up. He wouldn't have expected anything less. But it was still a surprise, seeing her for the first time in years. 

Guilt. That was what he had felt when he first saw her. Not for Okina, at that time he couldn't have cared less, but because he had let those she loved die. He himself had died, living as he had lived, for vengeance, was like death. He felt no remorse at killing, he felt nothing. 

He hated to admit it, but he owed Battousai his life. The man could have easily killed him, instead he had allowed himself to be injured. For Misao. Misao who needed him. _She has seen me for what I am. She should be ashamed that one such as myself raised her._

Yet she wasn't. As soon as he thought he knew how she would react, she always proved him wrong. His icy exterior would have daunted most women, but not Misao. She came to see him daily, bringing tea, meals when he forgot them. _Why?_ The question, always that plaguing question. Why would she? What did she see in him that was so redeeming? He didn't know the answer, it was the very answer he was trying to find. Perhaps it was only her stubbornness that kept her coming. Perhaps she only wanted some kind of reaction, just to see if he was still alive.    

_Was_ he still alive? Even Aoshi didn't know for sure. Battousai may have brought him back from the dead, but had he started living yet? When he dwelled on it; his life wasn't much. Meditation took up most of the day, seeking inner peace, wrestling with his demons. His past. _Perhaps I should just do what Battousai did. Perhaps I should wander for a while. Maybe then…maybe then I will find my answers._

Deep down, he knew he wouldn't. While a change of scene might have been pleasant, he couldn't leave the Aoyia. Couldn't leave her, not again. Before, leaving her had been essential, he would not lose her as he had his mentor. A child. No child should be in a war, especially not a bloody war like the Restoration. It had been hard enough the first time…

Flashback

"Are you sure about this Aoshi?" Okina's voice was kept to a whisper. "She will be upset when she wakes up and finds you gone."

The young okishira turned to face him, for a moment his gaze fell, and lingered, on the sleeping form on the bed. She tossed and turned in her sleep, dreaming childish dreams. Her dark hair, loosed from its braid was spread over the pillow. A slight frown creased her face as she fought off her invisible attackers. 

He crossed the room abruptly. Smoothing a hand over her brow, almost instantly she stilled, frown easing. He faced Okina again. "I am sure. It is not what I want to do, but what _has_ to be done." His voice was harsh, he would not allow himself to feel his loss. Aoshi turned to leave, pausing at the shoji, but refusing to turn, he spoke. "Take care of her Okina." The older man only nodded. Aoshi knew he would anyway. 

He stepped out into the darkened hallway. "Hanya. Beshimi." Two figures emerged from the shadows. "Get the others. We leave now." Both men nodded, but as they turned to go, Hanya cast a look at Misao's room. 

"No goodbyes." Aoshi warned. "It is best." Both men knew they might never return. There was no reason to make leaving harder than it was. Aoshi knew that Hanya would feel much the same as him when it came to leaving Misao behind. There was a moment of silence. Then Hanya bowed and was gone. 

He was left with only the wind, moving the tree branches gently. "Kami let me be doing the right thing." He whispered softly. After tonight there would be no more room for doubts. Slowly he made his way out of the Aoyia. For a time there would be no more incessant chatter, no more pleas for kempo training, no more paper cranes to make. He would miss it, he would miss her. She was the one thing that kept him sane, throughout the madness of war. "Keep safe Misao-chan." His voice floated on the wind, more a plea than a warning. Then, dark hair swaying in the breeze, the okishira left silently. 

End Flashback

No. He wouldn't, couldn't do it. Not again. She would only go looking for him again. _Foolish of her._ He would not be found if he didn't want to be. He would not have her waste her life in search of what was past. Aoshi focused on his meditation once again. _He_ would not allow himself to be plagued by the past. 

_*~Kurai mori, samayou_

_Murasaki no kizuato_

_Yoru ni matataku ryuusei_

_Mitsumete iru ice blue eyes ~* _

"Misao!" The young woman jumped slightly at the sound of her name, her memories scattered like the fallen leaves. 

"Hai, Omasu?" 

The older oniwanbanshuu member frowned at the sight of Misao daydreaming. "If you have nothing to do you can help make lunch." Misao sighed. Omasu was trying her hardest to turn her into a 'woman'. No more running wild. Making lunch was the least of it. If she wanted to go into town, she was forced into a kimono, ladylike steps, no running. Misao rolled her eyes and scowled. _No one wants to marry me anyway. And if I _do _marry, they have to love me for who I am! _Reluctantly she followed Omasu into the kitchen. 

Misao's scowl deepened, this time it was directed at the knife in her hands and the vegetables lying on the counter. Slowly she began chopping them, very slowly. Omasu sighed loudly. Misao would comply with the task set, but she always went about it in a tedious manner. It was painful to watch her. Omasu resisted the urge to snatch the knife from the young woman's hands and _show_ her how to chop vegetables. It was all Okina's fault. He had let her have her own way for far too long. And Aoshi was no help either, instead of encouraging ladylike behaviour he spent all his time in that room meditating. Omasu looked at the squashed ball of rice in her hands. What _had_ been onagri for lunch. She attacked the rice with a vengeance.   

Misao laid the knife down. She frowned at the uneven pieces of vegetable in front of her. They were unrecognisable. Omasu would probably skin her alive. She poked at what _looked_ like a piece of turnip. _Oh well…_ Another failed attempt. At least it wasn't soup. After her first attempt at miso soup for breakfast, which resulted in everyone choking, the entire household wouldn't even let her go _near_ the stove. 

"Misao?" She gave a half shriek and jumped. Pieces of turnip and radish fell to the floor with soft thuds. Hurriedly she crouched down and began picking up the already mutilated vegetables. 

Aoshi bent to help her, an almost amused looked flitted across his face for a moment, replaced by the emotionless mask she was used to. "Gomen, gomen." Misao muttered frantically, hoping Omasu hadn't noticed all the commotion. She looked up into a pair of icy blue eyes and felt her breath catch. "A-Aoshi-sama…" Misao took a deep breath. _Calm down…calm down. There's no need to act like a fool._ "Was there something you wanted?" 

Aoshi didn't reply. He was too immersed in _her _eyes. "I-" He couldn't remember why he had come down here. There _must_ have been a reason. He tore his eyes away from her face. _No! I will not get close to _anyone_. Not even Misao! _Abruptly he slammed the now empty teacup down on the counter, shattering it in the process. Then he turned and left. Misao stared at the broken cup in amazement. 

Aoshi never lost his temper. Aoshi always had perfect control of his emotions. Slowly she gathered up the shards of the cup. A small smile was on her face. _You _do_ feel Aoshi-sama. Now all I need to do is make you feel all the time._

_~* Sono aoku kooru hitomi_

_Kono mune ni dakishimetai_

_Nakushita, kono yuuki wo _

Omoidashite once again *~ 

He never lost control. How did she do it? Aoshi took a deep breath, trying to focus on the calm of his meditation. She got under his skin so easily. Without even trying it seemed. _Focus._ Her intense eyes were burned into the backs of his eyelids. No use. He could hear her laughter, drifting out from the house. 

_So carefree._ That was Misao. _His_ Misao. When had he started staking a claim? Even as a child she had held a special place in his heart. From the first they shared something. Perhaps it was being orphaned in the war; perhaps it was the promise he had made to his former master, her father. He didn't know. But she was his. That he knew for sure. Just like he was hers. _Feelings._ He had long tried to banish them. Lock them away. _Have I waited too long? _An eternity. He remembered her as a child; he was barely fourteen at the time. Such a long time ago now, a whole other lifetime. 

Flashback

"Come, Aoshi, you must see her," he succumbed to his master's wishes, he had no interest in children, indeed many would say that he was not much more than a child himself. But the entire household had been buzzing with excitement at the birth of this new girl-child, he supposed that he should really find out what all the fuss was about. 

Entering the room he bowed perfunctorily to the woman standing by the door. "Aoshi!" Makamichi-san's voice was genuinely pleased, "This is Misao." She had one of the women surrounding her place the small bundle in his arms. 

"I-" He had never handled a child before, and was unsure of how to hold her, a flush crept up his pale face as he realised how thoroughly inadequate he was. 

"Just support her neck, Aoshi," there was a hint of laugher in her voice and he flushed deeper.

"H-hai," only now did he allow himself to look down at the child in his arms, she was asleep, a small fist resting by her cheek. Wisps of dark hair could be seen poking out from under her coverings. She had an ivory pale complexion and her small mouth moved silently only stopping when her fist was in it. A faint smile graced his features, "She's so small…" he murmured softly, not caring that there were others around to hear him. 

As if the sound of his voice had disturbed her, she woke up. Bright blue eyes studied him for a moment, then, determining that he was not someone she knew, she opened her mouth and began to wail, waving her fists around wildly. He did the only thing he could do, he panicked. Attempts to silence her only served to make her louder. "Um…help?" He looked so comical, holding this baby at arms length like she could hurt him.

A young woman, prudently hiding her smile, stepped forward to claim the child, placing her safely back in her mother's arms where she quietened down. The women busied themselves with fussing over the child and Aoshi felt a comforting hand rest on his shoulder. "Well, Aoshi," the okishira smiled down at him, "I think our little Misao has taken to you, ne?" 

He looked again at the baby cradled in her mother's arms and flushed.

End Flashback 

_Ever since that day…she's had me under her spell. He shook his head, realising how futile it was to attempt meditation now, perhaps he needed to get away from all this. __No, it would be useless in any case, he realised, __She would just follow me, haunt me. He had never been able to escape her, and now, he knew that he didn't really want to. Misao was the light in his life, she didn't avoid him, she cared for him unconditionally. And he would give up everything to protect her. Even his life. _

_Could this be…love? He had tried to be neutral, nothing more than perhaps an elder brother. But his heart didn't work that way, she had him wound around her little finger without realising it. There was nothing that he could really deny her. In truth, it had taken all his efforts not to spoil her. He looked down, eyes shut in contemplation, he could not allow anyone to see how close they really were, how much he really cared. He had too many enemies, too many people who wanted nothing more to hurt him. For her sake, he would ignore the cries of his heart. _

_~* Sono kizu no itami taezu _

_Oogoe de naite ii no _

_Atataka na, namida wa_

_Koori, tokasu harvest rain *~ _

He made a lonely picture, sitting out on the veranda, eyes closed, the wind ruffling his dark hair. She longed to go up to him uninhibited, as she used to do. _Aoshi-sama, why are you running from me? Don't you see that I care for you? A single tear slipped out from under he closed eyelids. _

It seemed to her as though she had tried everything, but his heart was as locked away as it always was. Hidden from her, and with it, all it's secrets. Why couldn't he have stayed the Aoshi that he always had been to her? _Don't you see, I'm the only one who understands some of what you're going through…I'm the only other person here who has lost everything…don't let me lose you too…_

Flashback

"Where is he?!" The child's screech rang through the house, causing the fragile shoji to shake. "AOSHI-SAMA?!!" Then came the sound of full blown sobs, causing all the other residents of the house to cover their ears and try and comfort the child.

It was an almost amusing scene. People bustled around the room trying to find something, _anything that would stop the noise and in the centre of it all sat a very young girl, no more than six or seven at best. Her hair was pulled back into a fat plait, but wisps of her long dark hair had escaped the binding and stuck to her tearstained face. Her large blue eyes brimmed with tears and one fist was gripping the end of her braid. "I want Aoshi-sama!" she screeched, dissolving in tears again._

"Maa-maa, Misao-chan," Okina attempted to wrap his arms around her and comfort her, but she hit him with one small fist, refusing to stop crying, "Aoshi-sama has only gone away for a little while, he'll be back soon." She screamed louder, demanding 'her' Aoshi come back at once. Okina sighed, "Misao-chan, please stop crying." He looked around the room helplessly, "Okon? Omasu? Someone?" They all shook their heads, knowing that she wouldn't be comforted by anything that they could say. 

"Misao-chan…" Okina gathered her up in his arms, ignoring her attempts to break free, "Aoshi _will come back. He is the okishira and sometimes his duties will cause him to leave for some time, but he always comes back."_

She sniffled, tugging at her braid, "Promise?" 

He smiled a little sadly, not wanting to lie to her, "If he doesn't come back, we'll go look for him." 

End Flashback

She never took her eyes off him. It felt like she was losing him. She couldn't allow that to happen. _I love you, Aoshi-sama…and I'll be here, waiting…_

_~* Watashi matte 'ru…*~ _

~*~*~*~

A/N: Whelp, that's another unfinished RK fic finished! (Confused yet?) Don't ya love Aoshi/Misao? It's been sitting on my hard drive for _years! Okay, not quite years, but a very, very long time! Read and review please! If you're reading it on the webpage, sign the guestbook! If you're reading on ff.net, review and visit my webpage! Cherry Blossoms and Ki Blasts_

Yamato: Ignore her shameless plugging.

*glare* Yes, I _am plugging and I am unafraid! Hah!_

Yamato: Don't show the readers your insane side…they'll never read your fics again! 

Eep! For once, he's right… *waves people away* You don't need to read this part, I'm perfectly sane! Forget you ever saw that!

Yamato: HEY! What do you mean 'for once'? 

*shrugs* Let's face it, Yama-kun, you're not often right…

Yamato: I'm gonna pretend I never heard that.

Do what you want…I _did say it though!_

Yamato: *glares* 

© Abi 2001-12-04 


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